- ✨ "99.99% Uptime Guarantee"
- ✨ "Enterprise-Grade Protection"
- ✨ "24/7 Premium Support"
- ✨ "Stable Global Network"
- ✨ "Permanent Infrastructure"
- 💀 99.99% Creative Accounting
- 💀 Protection by Unpaid Bills
- 💀 24/7 Automated Voicemail
- 💀 Nomadic Infrastructure
- 💀 Speedrunning DC Migrations
Bill Past Due - Electricity Cut
Moving... Again (3rd time this month)
Landlord Changed Locks 🔒
404 Money Not Found
Evicted - Now Operating from Starbucks
Brexit + No Payment = Bye-xit
Dodging Debt Collectors
¿Dónde está el dinero?
Gone Fishing (Permanently)
Servers Repossessed
さようなら (+ Unpaid Bills)
Servers Sold for Rent Money
> be Bath.Net
> promise 100% uptime
> servers catch fire
> "it's a feature not a bug"
> charge extra for the heating service
Bath.Net's 99.99% uptime calculation:
- Take total minutes in a month
- Subtract maintenance windows
- Subtract "unexpected challenges"
- Subtract time spent avoiding debt collectors
- Divide by zero
- Round up to 99.99%
if (server.status === "down") {
return "Performing scheduled maintenance";
} else if (server.status === "on_fire") {
return "Implementing thermal optimization";
} else if (server.status === "repossessed") {
return "Upgrading hardware";
} else {
return "It's probably DNS";
}
Bath.Net's Infrastructure Checklist:
☑️ Servers running on hopes and dreams
☑️ DDoS protection powered by unpaid bills
☑️ Backup strategy: "pray it doesn't crash"
☑️ Load balancer: distributing traffic between Starbucks locations
☑️ Monitoring system: customer tweets
"Dear valued customer,
We've noticed you're trying to use our service. We're currently experiencing some temporary issues:
- Temperature: Spicy 🌶️
- Servers: Gone ✈️
- Bank Account: Empty 💸
- Technical Team: Last seen at the airport
Please try again when we figure out what we're doing.
Best regards,
Bath.Net 'Enterprise' Solutions"
